Remaining Connected in Close Proximity

Let’s face it — spending 24/7 with anyone, our spouse or not, can be incredibly taxing. Humans love to be together, but we also truly love our space and independence. Adjusting to a new normal of social distancing means that couples, spouses, and significant others are living in closer, more confined spaces for the foreseeable future.

From my own observation, I’ve noticed a few common themes among couples. The adjustment has either been powerful in creating closeness and re-vamped feelings of love and connection, or it has increased stress and strain on relationships. It’s important to understand that all of these are normal in the wake of our current situation. Not only are you faced with new challenges in learning how to co-exist with one another, you also face the challenge of supporting and managing each other’s emotional experiences, needs, and anxieties. Chances are, many couples have not experienced something of this magnitude together. We need to be there for our partners in ways we never have before, and learn to navigate an ever-changing world on a daily basis.

To offer support during this challenging time, I thought it would be fitting to compile some of my favourite take-away strategies for strengthening your relationship from Gottman Method couples therapy, along with some of the tips I use in my work as a couples therapist that I find helpful to apply to daily life. My hope is that you can take something away from these to enhance your skillset, deepen your partnership, and feel prepared to face the challenges ahead.

Building love maps

One of the most effective concepts in the Gottman Method is the Sound Relationship House. This house has seven levels, or principles, that are needed in a relationship to share emotional attunement, connection, and lasting love. The first level is Building Love Maps. The principle behind it is the understanding and exploration of your partner’s inner world — getting to know your partner on a deeper level. Research suggests that knowing your partner’s inner world, insignificant and significant details included, can leave you better prepared to weather the storms that a marriage may endure.

You might be wondering how to put a love map into action. This can be done by asking questions of each other and seeing if you can answer them. It always reminds me of the game you see at weddings, where the bride and groom answer questions about each other and raise a shoe if a statement is true or false. Think about it that way: would you be able to answer those seemingly silly small questions about your partner?

The principle behind Building Love Maps is the understanding and exploration of your partner’s inner world, and getting to know your partner on a deeper level.

In my work as a couples therapist, it can be evident when couples glaze over or skip this step of connection. You might hear couples say they don’t feel like they know their partner deeply anymore, or that their friendship and communication feel lacking. This is where love maps come into play. They encourage healthy, open communication between partners, and the questions are often lighthearted and nostalgic to complete together. It’s important to note that this is an ongoing process. You might have done this at one point in your relationship, but as you grow and evolve as a couple, it’s important to keep exploring and building your love maps together.

The Gottman Institute has an app for Android and Apple devices called Gottman Card Decks. It’s separated into topic areas, including love maps. The questions are fun to ask back and forth and can spark a great conversation. Give it a try on your next date night and see how well you know each other.

Bids for connection

Another layer of the Sound Relationship House is Bids for Connection. Bids are attempts from one partner to another to receive affirmation, affection, attention, or connection. They could be small gestures — reaching out to put a hand on a leg, rubbing a back, smiling at one another. They can also be more complex, such as asking for help, asking for a hug, or asking to spend time together.

Whichever form they take, bids for connection are important moments to start paying attention to. They require a great deal of awareness of your partner’s non-verbal expression, and it may take some time to figure out what they need from you. It’s important to respond to these bids, within the bounds of your own needs, in order to foster connection. Research suggests that when partners respond to one another’s bids, it continually strengthens the bond between them.

Just as with love maps, bids for connection are constantly evolving. What we seek from each other can change over time, and especially during times of hardship and pain. As the world experiences life-altering changes due to COVID-19, your relationship will experience changes too. The ways you lean on one another for support may shift. Try to see if you can pick out your partner’s bids for connection — notice the look on their face, the tone in their voice, their body language. Notice how you feel once you’ve responded. Do you feel more connected to your partner?

Create boundaries

Inevitably, your relationship will have to adjust to the realities of social distancing and isolation. Whether you and your partner are both working from home, or one is working and the other is not, some boundaries may need to be set and discussed. Creating boundaries with one another not only keeps the line between work and home life clear, it also increases communication and understanding of each other’s needs during this transitional time.

This may include talking about what you need from one another and how you can work harmoniously in the same shared space. Some boundaries you might find useful to discuss are where you will each work, break times, optimal work environments, and meal times.

Taking time for yourself

Time spent together is an important part of any relationship — it allows for connection, intimacy, closeness, and bonding. But it’s equally important to make sure you are getting enough time on your own. This is even more true now, as we may be spending unusually high amounts of time with our partners during quarantine.

Research supports that ensuring your own emotional wellness is taken care of is vital so that you are well equipped to support the emotional needs of your partner. Think of the oxygen masks on airplanes: the safety demonstration always says to put your own on before helping anyone else, because it’s impossible to help someone when you yourself are running out of air.

Although it’s easy to think about ways to engage in self-care, when it comes down to it you might feel as though taking time for yourself is selfish. Having open communication with your partner about your self-care needs can help relieve that feeling and help you support one another in following through.

Managing conflict and stress

The experience of COVID-19 is incredibly stressful. People have their own ways of managing this stress, and it’s important to understand your partner’s experience. As we spend more time together, frustrations may build and conflict may ensue.

Dr. John Gottman shares effective methods in his research that can support couples in navigating particularly stressful situations and conversations. The four rules he highlights for the listener are: (1) suspend judgment, (2) side with your partner, (3) validate and empathize with your partner, and (4) no problem-solving. Research suggests that often, when we reach out to our partners during a stressful situation, we are most often seeking validation and understanding. Try your best not to give advice, and simply be present with your partner. It’s also important to use friends, family members, or co-workers to discuss stressful situations, rather than relying only on your partner for extra support. This helps ensure your relationship doesn’t become overwhelmed with stressors.

Dating at home

As a society, I think we’ve come to realize how much we love going out to eat, socializing with friends, and enjoying social scenes — much more than we realized prior to this situation. The same is true for dating. Just because we can’t do the usual things we love doesn’t mean dates can’t exist. Take time to connect with your partner and get creative. Dressing up to have takeout in the living room, renting a movie, cooking together, or going for a drive and having a long talk are just some of the ideas you can enjoy while practising social distancing.

Dating from a distance

So far I’ve focused on staying connected while confined to your home together, but it’s important to include couples who don’t live together. Think of this as dating long distance for the short term. Couples will need to rely on creative means to stay connected and meet each other’s needs. Focusing on what you can do, and what is in your control during this time, is incredibly important. Gaining a solid understanding of how your partner gives and receives love, and what makes them feel connected to you, matters. What does daily communication look like? How can you get creative with virtual communication, virtual dates, and maintaining normalcy? How can you show love to your partner from a distance? Spend some time discussing these things as a couple and come up with a solid plan for getting through this time apart.

Online couples therapy

There comes a time when it can feel like you’re no longer able to attend to your relationship effectively on your own, and you could benefit from outside help and support. If you feel your relationship could benefit, we offer free 20-minute phone consultations and couples therapy in an online format. We are here to support you in any way we can during this challenging time. Please feel free to reach out with any questions.