A meaningful share of marriages in Canada end in divorce, per Statistics Canada’s most recent estimates. However, no one goes into a marriage expecting to break up. So, what happens that ends a marriage? And how can you ensure you do all you can to save your relationship? When is it best to let the relationship go? One aspect that can help answer these questions is couples therapy. Below are different ways to know when couples therapy is appropriate — and when it is not.

What ends a long-term relationship?

Divorce occurs for a wide range of reasons. Some predictors include marrying at a very young age, previous divorce, financial issues, and parental divorce (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). Several individuals also cite a lack of commitment, infidelity, fighting, substance use, a lack of support, and health issues as reasons their relationship ended (Scott et al., 2013). Additionally, domestic violence is a significant aspect that precedes divorce (Scott et al., 2013).

What is couples counselling?

Couples counselling, couples therapy, or marital therapy occurs when two people in a relationship are treated together by one therapist (APA, 2023). The main focus is to address issues occurring within the relationship and within each individual. There are different types of couples therapy with their own specific focuses, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Method, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

EFT is based upon attachment theory, using techniques to move couples away from insecure attachment and dysfunction to a place where they can find secure attachment within each other (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016). The Gottman Method focuses on working through negative patterns and replacing these with positive conflict management, intimacy and connection, and repairing damage, specifically through the Sound Relationship House Theory (Gottman & Gottman, 2008). CBT for couples hones in on the couple’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, teaching them how to recognize and reconstruct the ways they interpret their partner’s actions (Beck, 1988).

Several therapists use an integrative approach, drawing from many kinds of couples therapy theories and techniques to best fit your needs.

How to know when to start couples counselling

Deciding to go to couples counselling can be frightening. However, reaching out is a courageous first step. Common occurrences within a relationship that can be helped with couples counselling:

  1. An unhealthy pattern of conflict. Conflict within a relationship is normal. However, if you find the conflict cyclical — where the same arguments come up time and again without being solved — it might be time to seek couples counselling to get out of this cycle and into healthy conflict resolution.
  2. Communication difficulties. A couples therapist can help you and your partner learn healthy communication and listening skills, while also helping you recognize unhealthy forms of communication.
  3. Lack of sexual intimacy. Your therapist will help you and your partner explore intimacy in several areas of your life, increasing trust, connection, and closeness. Sexual intimacy tends to also increase.
  4. Life stressors. Children, work, other relationships, mental and physical health concerns. Your therapist can assist you and your partner in learning to rely on and support each other through life’s difficulties.
  5. Insecure attachment. Do you feel like you or your partner can’t seem to get close to each other? Do you experience a fear of abandonment? Does conflict make you want to cling to or run away from the relationship? These could be signs. Couples therapy can help you become securely attached.
  6. Infidelity. Extramarital affairs can have detrimental effects on a relationship. However, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is forever broken. Infidelity can be a sign that there is a major issue within the relationship, and your therapist can help you by exploring the root and patterns of the issue.
  7. Substance use. If one or both of you are struggling with substance use, couples counselling might be an option. Your therapist might suggest a substance use assessment first. Research has found that couples who engaged in couples therapy while targeting problematic substance use saw significant improvements in both their relationship and substance use (Fals-Stewart et al., 2004).

When is couples counselling inappropriate?

Sometimes couples therapy is not the answer. Here are some of the reasons to avoid it:

  1. One partner is unwilling to participate. For therapy to be successful, a person needs to be willing to participate. If a person goes into therapy without thinking they need help, it typically won’t work. The same applies to couples therapy; if one partner doesn’t think they need it or is unwilling, it will not be successful.
  2. Dating for a short amount of time. Sometimes couples seek therapy after dating for just a few weeks or months. This is generally a sign that the relationship will not be successful. Instead, individual therapy — so that you can both enter a relationship from a place of health — may be a better fit.
  3. The presence of domestic violence. When domestic violence occurs within a relationship, the relationship is operating from a place of serious dysfunction and danger. Couples therapy is not the right answer. When couples enter into couples therapy where domestic violence is present, it can actually put the victim at greater risk of abuse (Gurman et al., 2015). If you are experiencing domestic violence, you may need to create a safety plan. If you or someone you know in Calgary is experiencing domestic violence, please contact the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter at 403-234-SAFE (7233).

If you’re considering couples therapy, read about our approach or book a free consult.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Couples Therapy.

Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough. Harper & Row.

Fals-Stewart, W., O’Farrell, T. J., & Birchler, G. R. (2004). Behavioral couples therapy for substance abuse. Science & Practice Perspectives, 2(2), 30–41.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp. 138–164). Guilford.

Gurman, A. S., Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.). (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy (5th ed.). Guilford.

Raley, R. K., & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, repartnering, and stepfamilies. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81–99.

Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention. Couple and Family Psychology, 2(2), 131–145.

Statistics Canada. (2022). Number of divorces and divorce indicators.

Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407.