When is Couples Therapy Appropriate (& When is it Not?)
When is Couples Therapy Appropriate (& When is it Not?)
Over 30% of all marriages in Canada end in divorce (Statistics Canada, 2022). However, no one goes into a marriage expecting to break up. So, what happens that ends a marriage? And how can you ensure that you do all that you can to save your relationship? Additionally, when is it best to let the relationship go? One aspect that can help answer these questions is couples therapy. Below are different ways to know when couples therapy is appropriate, and when it is not.
What ends a long-term relationship?
Divorce occurs for a wide range of reasons. Some predictors of divorce include marrying at a very young age, previous divorce, financial issues, and parental divorce (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). Several individuals also cite a lack of commitment, infidelity, fighting, substance use, a lack of support, and health issues as reasons their relationship ended (Scott et al., 2013). Additionally, domestic violence is a significant aspect that precedes divorce (Scott et al., 2013).
What is couples counselling?
Couples counselling, couples therapy, or marital therapy occurs when two people who are in a relationship are treated together by one therapist (American Psychological Association, 2023). The main focus of couples counselling is to address issues occurring within the relationship, and within each individual. There are also different types of couples therapy interventions that have their own specific focuses, with main types including Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), The Gottman Method, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). EFT is based upon attachment theory, which uses techniques to move the couple away from insecure attachment and dysfunction to a place where they can find secure attachment within each other (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016).
The Gottman Method focuses on working through negative patterns and replacing these with positive conflict management, intimacy and connection, and repairing damage, specifically, through the use of the Sound Relationship House Theory (Gottman & Gottman, 2008). CBT for couples hones in on the couple’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and teaches them how to recognize and reconstruct the ways they interpret their partner’s actions (Beck, 1988). While your therapist might utilize one of these types of therapies (or another kind), several therapists often use an integrative approach, meaning that they will pull from many kinds of couples therapy theories and techniques to best fit your needs.
How to know when to start couples counselling.
Deciding to go to couples counselling can be a frightening. However, reaching out to a couples therapist is a courageous first step in the process of getting your relationship to a place of health and connection. Your therapist will guide you throughout the process and will help you both feel at ease. Here are some common occurrences within a relationship that can be helped with couples counselling:
An unhealthy pattern of conflict. Conflict within a relationship is normal. However, if you and your partner find the conflict cyclical, where the same arguments come up time and time again without being solved, it might be time to seek couples counselling to get out of this cycle and into a pattern of healthy conflict resolution (Streukens, 2010).
Communication difficulties. A couples therapist can help you and your partner learn different forms of healthy communication and listening skills, while also helping you recognize unhealthy forms of communication (Streukens, 2010).
Lack of sexual intimacy. Your therapist will help you and your partner explore intimacy in several areas of your life, as well as increase trust, connection, and closeness. In doing so, sexual intimacy tends to also increase (Streukens, 2010).
Life stressors. These can include difficulties with children, work, other relationships, mental and physical health concerns, and so on. Your therapist can assist you and your partner in learning to rely on and support each other through life’s difficulties (Gottman & Gottman, 2008).
Insecure attachment. Do you feel like you or your partner can’t seem to get close to each other? Do you experience a fear of abandonment from your partner? Does conflict make you want to cling to or run away from the relationship? These could be signs of insecure attachment. Your couples therapist can help you and your partner become securely attached to each other, which in turn, can make you feel secure within yourself (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016).
Infidelity. Extramarital affairs can have detrimental effects on a relationship. However, it does not mean that the relationship is forever broken. Infidelity can be a sign that there is a major issue within the relationship, and your therapist can help you by exploring the root and patterns of the issue(s) within the relationship, and therefore, attempting to prevent an affair from happening again (Beck, 1988).
Substance use. If you are in a relationship where one or both of you are struggling with substance use, couples counselling might be an option. Your therapist might suggest that you each receive a substance use assessment to determine the presence and severity of the use. If a substance use disorder is present, it likely needs to be addressed in couples therapy for the relationship to be successful. Research has found that couples who engaged in couples therapy while at the same time, targeted problematic substance use, saw significant improvements within their relationship as well as drug abuse (Fals-Stewart et al., 2004).
When is couples counselling inappropriate?
Sometimes, an individual can experience issues within their relationship, and will turn to couples therapy for help. However, in some situations, couples therapy is not the answer. Here are some of the reasons to avoid couples counselling:
One partner is unwilling to participate. For therapy to be successful in general, a person needs to be willing to participate in the suggestions from their therapist. If a person goes into therapy without thinking they need help (e.g., someone in their life is forcing them to do so), it typically won’t work. The same applies for couples therapy; if one of the partners doesn’t think that they need couples therapy or is unwilling to take part in the therapy, it will not be successful. It is important for you and your partner are in agreement that you are both needing support and want to make the relationship work before entering couples counselling.
Dating for a short amount of time. Sometimes, couples will seek out couples therapy after dating for just a few weeks or months. This is generally a sign that the relationship will not be successful. Instead, you and your partner might choose to attend individual therapy so that you can both enter a relationship from a place of health (Streukens, 2010).
The presence of domestic violence. When domestic violence occurs within a relationship, the relationship is operating from a place of serious disfunction and danger. However, couples therapy is not the right answer. When couples enter into couples therapy where domestic violence is present, it can actually put the victim at greater risk of abuse (Gurman et al., 2015). If you are experiencing domestic violence, you may need to create a safety plan to ensure that you and any dependents are able to escape the abuse. If you or someone you know if Calgary is experiencing domestic violence, please contact the Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter at 403-234-SAFE (7233).
References
American Psychological Association. (2022). Couples Therapy. https://dictionary.apa.org/couples-therapy
Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough. Harper & Row.
Fals-Stewart, W., O'Farrell, T. J., & Birchler, G. R. (2004). Behavioral couples therapy for substance abuse: rationale, methods, and findings. Science & practice perspectives, 2(2), 30–41. https://doi.org/10.1151/spp042230
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp. 138–164). The Guilford Press.
Gurman, A. S., Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (Eds.). (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy (5th ed.). The Guilford Press.
Raley, R. K., & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, repartnering, and stepfamilies: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81–99. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12651
Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 2(2), 131–145. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032025
Statistics Canada. (2022, November 14). Number of divorces and divorce indicators. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/tv.action?pid=3910005101
Struekens, J. (2010). A psychologist’s desk – Looking at life. S.A.E. Psychological Consulting Ltd.
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12229
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