Beyond Obedience: Strategies to Nurture Moral Integrity in Children

When it comes to limit setting with children, the goal of every parent and caregiver should be to go beyond merely getting your child to follow rules in the moment. Instead, it should be to raise a child who will truly understand the reasons behind those rules and limits, paving the way for a lifetime of moral integrity. Imagine your child growing up to be an adult who genuinely cares about doing what’s right, not just because they have to, but because they want to. This transformative process is known as rule internalization, a concept from the field of psychology that holds incredible potential for parents who wish to teach their children how to choose to be more kind and do the “right” thing.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the fascinating world of rule internalization and share practical research-backed strategies that can help parents and caregivers foster this vital process in their children.

Understanding the rule internalization process

To understand the internalization process and how it works, it is important to understand what can foster or hinder it. In a recent study by Robichaud and colleagues (2020) that explored this question, researchers found that “when children responded to their parents’ rule-setting with less anger and more empathy, they are more likely to genuinely accept and embrace the rules and limits in place.” This finding is consistent with past research suggesting that the more a child is able to accept a limit, the more likely they were to develop a true understanding of what was asked of them — which in turn helped them to internalize the underlying values that the rule represented (Grusec et al., 2017). Additionally, it reaffirms anger research and its impact on pro-social behaviour: disciplinary strategies that trigger anger can thwart the internalization process, as it can lead children to focus on perceived unfairness rather than embracing the intended values of the proposed limit (Roberts et al., 2014).

In terms of application, previous research has found that “the use of strategies that enhance empathy can help to contribute to the internalization process and prosocial behaviours such as helping, sharing, donating and volunteering” (Kochanska et al., 2010). What follows is a set of practical strategies parents can use to cultivate empathy, acceptance, and internalization of rules in their children.

Practical research-backed strategies

1. Friendly reminders and understanding

Instead of immediately using discipline, start with a kind reminder of the rule or limit, taking into consideration your child’s age and development. Remember, they’re still learning and discovering the world. So, whenever you can, show understanding and empathy for their learning process. If your child expresses unhappiness or frustration towards a specific limit, let them know that you hear them and understand how they feel. This empathy helps them feel respected while still upholding the limit.

Examples: “Hey sweetie, remember we need to clean up our toys before bedtime. I know you must be tired, but remember we need to keep our space tidy.” Or “Hey sweetie, just a heads-up, we have about 10 minutes left before bedtime. I know it can be so hard to stop playing, but it’s time to start tidying up our toys, OK?”

2. Offering choices and explaining reasons

Empower your child by involving them in decision-making or problem-solving when they struggle with a rule. Give them options within certain boundaries, allowing them to exercise some autonomy. At the same time, explain the reasons behind the rule, focusing on how it impacts others. By highlighting empathy and providing reasoning, children gain a deeper understanding of why the rule is important.

Example: “It’s almost time for bed, we need to clean up your toys. Do you want to walk or skip while we do it? It’s important to leave a clean space after we play so no one trips or hurts themselves.” Or “When you grabbed that toy from your brother’s hands, it hurt his hands and interrupted his play. Do you want to apologize to him now or after you grab him some ice?”

3. Praise effort and highlight prosocial behaviours

One simple way to motivate a child to improve and grow is by recognizing their hard work and offering words of praise for the things they are doing well, even if it doesn’t meet our exact expectations. Try to be observant and look out for moments when your child demonstrates kind or helpful behavior naturally — getting a drink for someone, helping to set the table, sharing a toy without being asked. When you notice these moments, pause what you’re doing in the moment (not later) and acknowledge their efforts.

Think about what kind of atmosphere would inspire you to change. Would you be motivated to improve if someone constantly pointed out your mistakes? Or would you feel encouraged to continue growing if others took the time to notice and appreciate the effort you’re already putting in? By highlighting and praising effort, you create a supportive environment that motivates them to keep trying.

Example: “I saw how you shared your toy with your sibling without anyone telling you to. That was really kind and thoughtful of you. It shows that you care about others and their feelings. Keep up the good work, high five!”

4. Connect consequences to behaviour

If your child violates a limit or rule, consider using consequences that will help show or teach them the consequences of their actions — helping them understand the cause-and-effect relationship. For example, if they hit their sibling, first seek to address the hurt caused by asking them to take a break from playing and assist their sibling by getting an ice pack. This way they see how their behaviour affects others and helps foster some empathy.

Example: “You hurt your brother when you hit him. Let’s take a break from playing and help him feel better. Can you get him an ice pack, please?” Or “Hitting can hurt people’s feelings, their bodies, and our relationship with them. To make amends, I would like you to go and apologize for hitting them and ask if there is anything you can do to help them feel better.”

5. Create a nurturing environment

Instead of using threats or making them feel afraid or guilty, choose to foster an environment of empathy, understanding, and respect. This compassionate approach builds trust and cooperation, which enhances the internalization process. Focus on nurturing their sense of responsibility and guiding them towards making positive choices.

Example: “Let’s talk about why it’s important to share toys. Sharing makes others happy and helps us all have fun together. I believe in your ability to make kind choices and treat others with respect.”

6. Use children’s interests to build empathy

Another effective strategy is to leverage your child’s interests — favorite sports, books, movies, or shows — to cultivate empathy and raise awareness of prosocial behaviors when they naturally occur in others. Instead of comparing your child to characters directly, invite them to be curious and engage in brainstorming about alternative ways of acting.

For example, while watching The Lion King, discuss how Timon and Pumba helped Simba without him asking. Ask: “Did you see how Timon and Pumba offered to help Simba? That was helpful and nice of them. Can you think of other ways they could have helped Simba?”

7. Refrain from anger-provoking discipline

When implementing discipline, it’s crucial to steer clear of threats, fear, or guilt-inducing tactics whenever possible. While these methods may yield immediate results, they’re perceived as controlling and lead to increased anger, ultimately hindering the internalization process.

Avoid: “You should be ashamed of yourself for getting such a low grade.” “After all your brother did for you, is this how you repay him?” “If you don’t clean up right now, I’ll take away all your toys for the rest of the month.”

Final thoughts

Parenting is a journey filled with unique challenges and triumphs. While the strategies above can provide guidance, every child is different and individual circumstances may require additional support. If you find yourself and your child continuing to struggle with internalizing rules or facing persistent difficulties, it may be beneficial to seek professional assistance. Child or family psychologists can offer personalized strategies tailored to your specific needs.

Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and a proactive step towards creating a nurturing environment where your child can thrive. You are not alone on this journey, and there is support available. Read about our child therapy, family therapy, or book a free 20-minute consult.