The Divorce Survival Guide (& 5 Ways to Get Through It)

When people get married, we all want to believe that it is forever. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Sometimes, as hard as we try to make things work, some couples come to the realization that divorce is the right decision for them.

This post is about normalizing the experience of going through a divorce, as well as giving you a general “Divorce Survival Guide” — 5 tips to help you cope through this process.

The five stages of grief as it applies to divorce

Divorce not only means letting go of one of the most important relationships in your life, it is also the end of all the dreams you had at some point for what your life together would look like. Regardless of each unique experience, it is normal to feel a deep sense of grief and loss, and for these emotions to come and go in unpredictable ways.

Denial

Denial is about not being able to recognize and fully accept what is happening. “I am so unhappy, but I am sure we are just going through a rough patch.” The stage of denial is a way for our minds to protect ourselves from a harsh reality — but as long as we do not accept the reality of the relationship ending, we cannot move forward.

Depression

One of the most intense stages. Feelings of sadness, guilt, numbness or despair can feel like too much to handle at times. It can feel like: numbness, crying often at random times, heaviness in your chest, physical pain, lack of energy, wanting to be alone.

Anger

Anger can be directed both at yourself or at your ex-partner. According to the 5 stages of grief, anger is energy that is moving — moving towards healing. We do not want to linger here forever, but anger does serve a purpose.

Bargaining

Once we hit bargaining, we are trying to think of ways in which our story could have had a different ending. “Had I done X, we would still be together.”

Acceptance & finding meaning

This doesn’t mean that we like getting divorced — it means that we accept that this is reality, and we know that we will be ok, even without our ex-partner by our side. David Kessler later added a 6th stage: finding meaning.

Note: we do not move through these stages in a linear way. We may be in acceptance one day, then wake up the next feeling like we are back in depression. This does not mean you are moving backwards — it is just the normal way we process grief.

Divorce Survival Guide: 5 things to help you through it

1. Be kind to yourself

Divorce can feel like an emotional roller-coaster. You are dealing with a major change in your life, and trying to adapt the best way you can. Some days will be easier than others. Research has shown that allowing emotions to come up is a healthier way to work through grief rather than trying to suppress them.

2. Connect with what brings you joy

Part of being kind with yourself is also allowing yourself to enjoy life. Set up “breaks from your grief.” Find activities you enjoy. Maybe it’s listening to a song louder than you usually would, dancing in your living room, or watching a funny movie. Create a “Coping Toolkit” you can pull from when you need it.

3. Watch your thoughts

Be mindful of the messages you give yourself. “My marriage was a complete failure. I am damaged goods now” vs. “My divorce was the end to one chapter of my life. I am excited to see what the next chapter brings.”

Positive affirmations can sound silly at first — but the negative messages you give to yourself weren’t created in one day either. Try: “Even though my relationship did not work, I am worthy of love.” “I have a lot to bring to a relationship.” “I experienced a powerful love, and I will experience it again.”

4. Set small goals for the administrative aspect

The administrative aspects of a divorce can be just as emotionally draining as the long conversations. Separating finances, determining a schedule for co-parenting, figuring out living situations — all of it. Set up small, achievable goals for each day, and allow yourself to take a break if it feels overwhelming.

5. Get the right support

This is the time to reach out to family and friends. Sometimes you may need someone to listen and be there with you; other times you may need someone to do something fun with. Another part of finding the right support is finding the right legal advice. A psychologist can also help you work through many of the emotions.

If you’d like to talk to a therapist about navigating divorce, book a free 20-minute consult or read about our individual counselling.